
Before you read this, click here to read the introduction.
Chapter 1 – Part 1
This book and all excerpts are (c) 2010 Joel Peterson. All Rights Reserved.
If there was anything I struggled with in my life, it was finding my calling and sense of purpose. Coming in a close second was the question of God’s existence. Some never asked this fundamental question because faith came naturally to them. I however, was stuck between gullible and analytical, two conflicting attributes that almost spelled destruction.
Do not get me wrong, I have always believed in the existence of a God; particularly the God of the Judeo-Christian Scriptures. I loved God with my whole heart, prayed, and studied fervently and frequently. Perhaps this is why I questioned. I knew faith was the only logical option, but it was too abstract. Some time before the events described in this book, I found a solace in the mystery of God. I studied it, but did not dwell on the questions that used to tear me apart.
Before I was able to find any purpose in my life, I was faced with this issue of viewpoints. The different views of God always seemed to detract from His power as creator. The original Christian church was split up into tiny pieces now; there is little resemblance of it left. The church we have today is segmented, torn apart by schism because of the differing theological interpretations of the Bible and God himself.
I wondered why we couldn’t just focus on the things that mattered: faith, hope, and love. All three of these terms go hand in hand. Faith is what we have because we believe.
Hope is faith that God has things under control. Love is that which comes the most naturally. Love of God, others, and self. As an unknown author put it once, we are to put ourselves third from first. Hope is the hardest of the three to acquire and it takes time and patience to understand.
In the beginning, there was this dream, and it changed my life. It was a quest to find the call, a journey through space, mind, and soul. It was the first leg of a journey that would last a lifetime, and I would never be the same.
Back when I was first pondering these questions, my main outlet was songwriting. As is evident in this book, this passion and release continued. This passion later evolved into writing, but that quest would fill another book, The root of all my questions was of course the meaning and purpose of life. I had none. Sure, my expenses were paid and I had my own home. Anyone in any third world country, or even in my own backyard, would have been happy to be where I was, except me. I no longer loved music, the only thing I used to care about. I no longer felt drawn to a relationship with the opposite sex, something I had failed at so many times before.
Writing became my release.
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The flashback came quick and hard, much like the weather outside my dorm room window. I was quickly transported back. Back to a time not long ago, when I was alone.
At least, I felt alone.
Aaron would not have called her “sexy”, but even he would admit that she was not pathetically geeky either. She was perfect, in my mind; the incarnation of beauty and knowledge.
I thought our mutual connection was our loneliness. I was wrong. I misjudged the ability of my peers to grow up past their High School days of superficial love. If only I had met her in High School.
We met on a dark dreary day, my favorite kind. We were both attending a lecture on the implications of science and upper level mathematics on religion. We both by chance selected the same class to meet our theological credit requirement.
Aaron thought I was a hopeless romantic. He found no need for a permanent, lasting relationship with the opposite sex. He preferred to move from one to another quickly, without a second thought. He wondered why I always wound up having crushes on girls with little physical attraction, only to be shot down by them. He told me to give up. I vowed things would be different.
At first, they were.
After the lecture, I tried to come up with the words to say to her; the girl I saw as the proof of God. My anxiety soared— I didn’t want to miss the opportunity to talk to her, but I didn’t want to mess it up either. My anxiety proved pointless.
“Peter?” I heard a sweet female voice from behind in the hallway leading to coffee shop that was also a part of the library complex.
I wondered who else shared my name in the small area outside the lecture hall.
Since I wasn’t going that way because I had another afternoon class, I decided to speed up before I embarrassed myself; just a small change in velocity so it would go unnoticed.
Before I could open the large door out into the fresh air, I heard the clicking of heels behind me.
“Peter!” she said again, with firmer diction this time.
I turned my head to my left only a couple inches to verify that she was talking to someone else. My worst fear and greatest short-term dream was realized.
She almost broke out into a jog to cut me off, as I was still moving forward.
I stopped and squinted a bit.
She was glowing. I couldn’t tell whether it was the look on her eyes, the smile on her face, or the bright tank top she was wearing. Hindsight tells me it was just the tank top.
“Hey Peter, I’m Allison Hartford.”
To tell the truth, I already knew her name… I asked Aaron after class one day. He was in the same section of the class, skipping the lecture to nurse a hangover.
“I thought you brought some interesting questions to the dialogue in that lecture. I would love to hear more. Maybe over coffee?”
Her words calmed me. I was no longer so shocked to be talking to someone I did not know, not to mention the fact that I had developed a strange attraction to her.
We walked through the hallway making some small talk about sports or the weather or something.
“So, what interested you the most in the discussion?” I asked, curious as to which part of the lecture she sought my opinion on. I wondered if I would be expected to share my physics knowledge, as quantum mechanics and the free will theorem were key points in the lecture. The professor was quick to dismiss any thought that subatomic particles had free will. He then claimed the inverse of the theory; that since particles cannot have free will, neither can we.
“Well, it seemed to me that you didn’t agree with him on a lot of the points he brought up. I just wanted to get an alternate perspective.”
I soon learned that was one of her gifts; the desire to look at both sides before deciding on an opinion.
“No, not really.”
“Why not? I thought he made a lot of valid points.”
“Well, aren’t we supposed to have free will? …to question theological questions, even the existence of God?”
“Yeah, but that eliminates his ability to work through our lives, if we simply deny him.”
“True, but he gives us that choice.”
“Maybe God just knows what we’re going to do, but we still have the ability to do what we want.”
I pondered that thought for a moment. “If that’s true, God couldn’t live in our time could he? He would be outside, knowing what we are going to do without having any influence on it. Wouldn’t that take away the closeness of God?”
“I’m not any kind of theologian, but I’m pretty sure that’s what the Holy Spirit is for.”
Her statement took me aback. For someone not perusing a career in ministry, she had some deep thoughts.
“With answers like that, I think you might have missed your calling into ministry!” I replied.
“I’m a woman, Peter. Women aren’t called into ministry, only men are.”
“Well, I don’t think that at all. Women are called into ministry just like men are. Ministry doesn’t even have to be preaching from the pulpit and overseeing a church. I believe women can be pastors too, but even if you don’t…”
“Lets avoid the doctrine for now. But seriously, who are you to talk? You are the one who should be going into a religious vocation!”
“Touché”
Our post-lecture chats became a common occurrence. However, the topic of the call to ministry would not come up again. We avoided any mention of this phrase back then. Sometimes I wish we had. Maybe I could have been persuaded to change my mind. I could have switched my major, declared my intentions to become a minister, and pastor a church part-time. God had other plans. So I was a music major, content with my life, sans my lack of a romantic relationship, and pleased with where God was leading me, at least where he was leading me at that particular point in time.
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